14 Mar “There’s a Part of Me That…” Escaping the Trap of Defensiveness

When people respond to us with judgment or blame, it’s a natural and instinctive response to contract. The same thing can happen whenever we receive feedback that bears any hint of criticism. Trying to change our first response is futile, and actually makes things worse.

What we do next, though, is entirely in our control. Bringing compassion and skillfulness to that choice is a huge difference-maker to our well being.

The compassion part is simply to recognize the contraction that has arisen in our body, whether it’s in the belly, chest, head, or all of the above, and to meet it with gentle, curious attention. Most of you already know how to do that.

The skillfulness part is a little trickier. It involves shifting out of the framework of true/false. As long as we’re evaluating whether the feedback is an accurate accounting of who we are, or how we’re behaving, we’ll stay mired in defensiveness. That’s because our ego, or self, needs to protect itself most of the time. It needs to assert its validity even when such an assertion is clearly questionable. The shadow side of such protection, often, is a vicious swing all the way to shame. So as long as we’re in the true/false framework, we view ourselves pretty much as all good or all bad.

What’s the fastest, easiest, most efficient way out of this framework? It’s to remember two things: First, we’re all capable of virtually everything that a human being can feel, think and do. That vast range of responses is something hardwired into us regardless of our distinct personality. Second, we’re all made not just of one self but actually an array of selves. It’s not an exaggeration to say that we’re all multiple personalities. The more we recognize and embrace our multiplicity, the healthier we become as a whole.

The key to escaping the trap of defensiveness is to acknowledge that even if criticism, blame, or feedback of any kind isn’t actually true about us in general, it may pertain to just one or more parts of ourselves.

That’s why many of my clients are having really good results recently, when taking in difficult reflections from others (after the initial ouch!) by trying the reflection on for size with this question:

“Is there any part of me, even the smallest, about which this might have some truth?”

This is so effective because it bypasses the ego’s need to defend itself. We can easily see what needs to be seen, and own what needs to be owned, without it having to be especially unique to oneself or a verdict on oneself overall.

Plus, it leads toward a way of productively working with all our parts, whether in light or shadow, even when no one else is involved. This approach naturally leads us to start using the phrase, “There’s a part of me that…” whenever taking stock about our reactions, choices, and beliefs.

“There’s a part of me that doesn’t listen well.”

“There’s a part of me that doesn’t trust you.”

“There’s a part of me that gets stuck in resentment.”

“There’s a part of me that needs to hog the spotlight.”

If inspired, try it out. Use that phrasing to see if it’s easier to see more clearly and grow more fully when relegating your recognition to a part, rather than to yourself as a whole.

If you’re interested in learning more about this approach, check out Gestalt Therapy in general and an offshoot called Voice Dialogue in particular.