22 Nov Permission To Be Irritable

While much of the US is focused on gratitude this week, I’d like to offer some “counter programming” and focus on a much neglected topic – irritability.

Even the best meditators and yoga practitioners, from time to time, are just cranky. Even those who have walked the healing path for decades, or guided others along that path, every once in awhile wake up “on the wrong side of the bed.”

None of us likes how this feels. In order to minimize the friction, within ourselves and each other, we might increase our wellness practices. When that doesn’t work, we might isolate or, unfortunately, blame ourselves.

That’s because we view irritability as a problem, as something that shouldn’t be, or that wouldn’t be if we were better at managing our emotions and moods.

Here’s a simple reframe for this issue that might save lots of suffering and avoid many unnecessary fights…

Irritability happens.

It’s natural, inevitable.

In any given moment, the human mind and body engage in trillions of biological processes. Most of these processes are unconscious and out of our control. When even just a few of those processes go temporarily haywire, our system registers tension. That tension often blooms into irritability.

I get a version of this myself sometimes that feels like “sand in my veins.” It’s like my whole insides are rubbed raw and any additional stimulus, whether internal or external, adds intolerable fuel to the fire.

Writing this, I can imagine one of you readers thinking, “Dude, that’s called inflammation. An actual medical condition that can be treated if you get the right kind of help.”

Even with no current sand in my veins, contemplating such a response makes me want to holler. Why? Because even if well intentioned, it tries to reassert the idea that irritability always has an addressable cause.

And look – sometimes it does. But my point here is that much of the time it doesn’t. Recognizing that, and really breathing into it, offers us a chance to avoid so much unnecessary pain.

How? Two ways. First, whenever you’re irritable, name it and claim it.

“I notice I’m irritable right now. Everything has an uncomfortable edge. Let’s see what happens if I allow it to play itself out.”

That might take an hour or a day, and it might happen with no intervention whatsoever.

Second, let those around you know. “I’m feeling really irritable right now. I’ll do my best not to dump any of that on you. But if I fall short, I apologize in advance and please don’t take it personally.”

Such a gift, to you and everyone else!

Even that statement itself, which is profound acceptance in action, might take some of the edge off the irritation.

But I’ve saved the best and most important part for last. Sometimes our irritation is selective. A particular person, often our partner, family member or close friend may temporarily irritate the hell out us while in regard to the rest of existence we’re a-ok.

Those of us oriented toward personal growth and self-responsibility will usually and immediately start doing our “work” on what’s happening. We strive to get to the bottom of it in order to make things better for both parties.

Often that’s helpful, and truly the best path. But what if, before doing that work, we allow ourselves a while to hang out with the inner grrrr? To be gently welcoming and curious about it? To recognize that all of us human beings are like outward facing sandpaper, and that the closer we are to someone the more likely it is that now and again we’ll rub each other the wrong way?

Imagine saying to your partner or close friend: “Hey, irritability alert. You could be a virtual angel right now and to me it might still feel like nails on a chalkboard. It’ll probably pass soon, and I’ll take a closer look if it doesn’t. In the meantime, don’t think you need to walk on eggshells. And I’ll steer clear for awhile if it ramps up any further.”

Personally, hearing something like that is always music to my ears. It instantly relaxes me and deepens my trust, whether of not there turns out to be an issue that eventually needs attention.

How about for you? Would hearing this from a loved one open your heart?

What about saying it? Would having permission to express the truth of your experience in such a caring way bring forth new and spontaneous gratitude?

If so, then maybe my message wasn’t counter programming to Thanksgiving week after all.