24 Nov No Fake Gratitude

With the US Thanksgiving holiday upon us, I’ve been thinking a lot about how we, in the spiritual community, approach the topic of gratitude. It’s one of those themes, unfortunately, that gets unduly burdened with “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts.”

When something unpleasant or unwanted is afoot, how often do you hear your own thoughts tending in this direction: “I should be grateful for what I have”? Or, “I shouldn’t complain or focus on the negative.”

There’s a sophisticated version of this as well: “Although this situation is challenging, I should be able to find something within it to feel grateful for.”

Unfortunately, such thoughts don’t bring about much authentic gratitude. At best they allow us to become sanctimonious, like good little boys and girls. At worst they leave us tense, and more at odds with whatever we weren’t grateful for in the first place.

The last thing any of us needs is another stick to beat ourselves up with, especially during a holiday that in its very name exhorts us to be grateful, so if you recognize yourself in any of the above, I’d like to offer you a way to set that stick down once and for all.

If a situation causes you irritation, find that irritation in your body and feel it directly. Do the same with frustration, anger, disgust, sadness, loneliness, or even despair. Feel those emotions first, and fully, without leaping prematurely toward any kind of wise, mature understanding. Such leaping actually ensures, no matter your best intentions, that the emotions stay stuck within you.

Instead, if you “surf” those emotions sufficiently, placing your attention closely and gently on the the shifting sensations, for just a couple of minutes max, they will almost always dissipate. In their wake, without effort or thinking, often comes insight and peace.

What I’m sharing here is not at all about being reactive to your emotions, or venting, or involving anyone else along your path to peace. This is about the inner work, about your relationship to your own experience.

There’s a good chance you already get this. If so, please consider it a timely reminder. If not, let me share one more piece of the puzzle.

Feeling the difficult emotions caused by unwanted situations is a prerequisite for accepting those situations. It actually is what brings acceptance about. Once you have accepted a situation for what it is, you’re then best able to either change or make peace with it, or both. More acceptance, more change. More acceptance, more peace.

And for that you can be grateful. Or better put, for that you become grateful naturally and easily, without shoulds or shouldn’ts and therefore free of self-sabotage.

So instead of fake gratitude, this week and beyond, I invite you to relax into your body, and to surf all the feelings that arise there. Your body will come to thank you for the loving attention, which is a gratitude you can truly, and genuinely, feel.