03 Sep Can We Talk About The “J Word”? – Part 2

In part one of my exploration of judgment, “The J Word,” I shared the way that minds are built to judge, and how that leads to hardened hearts and clouded perception. I concluded with the belief that despite our mental wiring it’s still possible to shift from a life impoverished by judgment to one enriched by discernment. Now, it’s time to address the nuts and bolts of that shift.
 

First Principle – Thoughts Create Feelings
 

When we perceive our thoughts and feelings as two distinct entities, we miss the incredibly powerful impact that they assert on one another. Looking at judgment, the key impact is in how thoughts engender feelings.

Take, for example, what happens when we have a strong negative judgment. Usually it brings forth a feeling of aversion, or disgust: a kind of primal “Ewww!”

This primal emotional response can be about something trivial, like one’s taste in fashion: “That dress is hideous!” It can also be about something of great significance: “They’re destroying our planet!”
 

Interestingly, the same kind of emotional response can arise with strong positive judgment. When we think along the lines of,  “This novel is light years ahead of the pack!” or “Our country is the best!”, the strong feelings elicited are mostly about alliance, and belonging. It feels assuring to be “in the know”, or on “the right side.”  But as we cling to the “Us” that such judgments create, we automatically also create a “Them.”
 

When we respond to any subject or experience with discernment, on the other hand, such visceral response is rarely present. Instead we might feel neutral, or perhaps recognize an intuitive understanding about what will best serve us. Such an intuition functions as a kind of North Star. In heeding it we tread lightly, with an open, compassionate heart that stretches to include even those whose taste, positions, or actions we oppose.
 

If we’re committed to moving beyond the damage that judgment can cause, we must choose to be mindful of the emotional trail that judging thoughts leave in their wake. Practically put: Strong feelings? Judgment likely present.
 

Once we recognize a judgment by its corresponding emotional signature, we’re no longer wholly captive to it. We have choices in how to proceed. The most powerful choice I’ve found is to turn toward the emotion that’s been aroused, and to feel it fully.
 

Does this seem counter-intuitive? Wouldn’t it make better sense to turn away from the judgy feeling? Isn’t that a logical way to separate from harmful judgment?
 

Logically, yes, but the realm we’re exploring isn’t best understood by logic. What experience demonstrates is that feeling the emotion generated by judgment allows that emotion to crest and dissolve. In its wake, discernment naturally begins to arise.
 

But whose experience? The only experience that matters is your own. That’s why I urge you to take everything you read here and see if it’s true for you. And since personal experience is the currency when addressing judgment, allow me to share a recent episode from my own life.
 

Second Principle – Unfelt Feelings Create Thoughts
 

A close relative came to mind. I recounted a recent exchange between us. This exchange was the latest in a recurring pattern that has plagued our relationship for years. The thought arose: “He’s so selfish!”
 

With that thought came a strong wave of feeling. The wave was mostly comprised of anger, resentment, and an urge to push that relative away. Once I became aware of the wave, I knew instantly that I was possessed by judgment. I also knew, from past possessions, that if I turned away from the wave, it would only fester and transform into a grudge or grievance.
 

In other words, not feeling the emotions connected to a judging thought actually creates more judgment.
 

Recognizing this, I employed my practice of emotional connection to surf the wave of present feeling. I did that by finding the felt sensation in my body and bringing my full attention to it in a curious, non-interfering way. Most importantly, I let it lead.
 

The wave took me first through a hot, roiling belly. Then it surged into my chest with a stabbing quality. After a few moments that physical stabbing took on an emotional quality as well. That quality was hurt. I felt hurt, so hurt by my relative’s actions.
 

Staying closely connected to that hurt, and to the long-festering wound from which it surfaced, made me feel raw and vulnerable. It also brought forth a tender quality to my attention, which enabled me to welcome the pain even though it was so unpleasant.
 

In about a minute or so, the wave subsided. In its place was a fragile but unmistakable peace. I felt compassion for myself in regard to this difficult relationship. I also noticed a softening toward my relative. I recognized (or remembered?) that his actions were less personally about me and more about him protecting himself in the only way he knew how.
 

I saw that “selfish” had been a judgment in me born of hurt, just like his actions, and judgments of me, were born of his own sense of threat.
 

By feeling the emotions that came from my judgment, I was able to let it go without a fight, without judging my internal judge and thereby creating only more of what I wanted to diminish. I was also able to stop casting my relative out, and to bring him back into my heart.
 

In the discernment that arose naturally through this process, I wished that my relative could also come to see that most deep-seated personal judgments were born of hurt, the threat of hurt, and the resulting need for protection.
 

But I also saw that this potential shift was his business, not mine, and I could love him whether or not it ever happened. In addition I saw that, going forward, I could take better care of myself in our relationship by apportioning my vulnerability with him to the degree it felt truly safe. My love, therefore, rendered me more secure rather than exposing me to more unhealthy risk.
 

___
 

Minds judge. The world revolves around judgment. But it doesn’t have to. We can move beyond judgment in fulfilling our evolutionary potential.
 

In order to do so, we must recognize first and foremost that judgment doesn’t work. It offers a temporary sense of safety and/or superiority at the expense of  long-term wellbeing. Judgment creates separation. When we seek to solve our problems from a state of separation, we inevitably create more separation.
 

That’s why I invite you, with passionate discernment, to join me in moving past judgment – yours, mine, and ours.