14 May Is Anyone to Blame?

A parent abandons you. A partner betrays you. A friend steals from you to support a habit. The police shoot an innocent teenager. Governments lie. Corporations pollute.

In each case you feel angry, hurt, resentful. You hold this transgression against the offending party. You want the perpetrator to take responsibility for it, to apologize, to make it right.

This whole position is based on the premise that the transgressor had a choice, and that he, she, they or it could have acted differently and didn’t. This was the “wrong.”

But what if there was no choice? What if the transgressor wasn’t capable of acting otherwise? Would that make the situation different? Would you hold the wrong against the transgressor in the same way?

This is one of the most important questions you can ever ask. Your answer to it determines, in large part, your own capacity for happiness.

Our society makes a great distinction between harmful acts that seem purposeful versus ones that seem uncontrollable. The former is committed by a “perpetrator,” the latter by a “victim.” From this perspective a wrongdoer can be victimized by the abuse of another, by previous destructive circumstances, or by one’s own mind. If any victimization seems to have contributed to the wrongful act, we tend toward mercy. If none can be found, we mete out maximum punishment.

Perhaps societies governed by the rule of law need such a distinction. But in our personal lives, do we? Does such a continuum of judgment lead us to greater internal peace?

An even more important question: in spiritual terms, does such a continuum even exist?

My own answer is no. Whatever happened has already happened. Therefore, it could not have been otherwise. To invest in the idea that someone could have made a different choice, no matter the degree of victimization, is to live in fantasy. And resistance.

When someone wrongs me and I see it as a choice, I shut down and suffer as a result. When someone wrongs me and I see it as inevitable, I’m able to remain open to myself, and to life.

While open to life I may experience anger, frustration, hurt, grief and loss. It’s not all love and light. It’s not a fake kind of saintliness. Rather, it’s simply a turning toward what is rather than away from it.

While open to life I still see the need for consequences. Just as a society must hold people accountable for their transgressions, I may end an unhealthy relationship. I may advocate for justice wherever I find it lacking.

But if I do this without shutting down, and without a story of blame regarding the offending party, then I don’t punish myself in the process. My own pain from the experience moves through me instead of getting trapped within me. Soon I’m at peace, fundamentally, even if the waves of my emotional response have not yet fully subsided.

If you perceive what I’m sharing here with your mind only, it will be easy to get lost in philosophical debates about free will versus predestination. Not so helpful. But if you perceive what I’m sharing with your heart, first and foremost, then perhaps you’ll be willing to conduct the following experiment in the laboratory of your own life.

The next time someone wrongs you, and your first inclination is to see it as a choice, witness what happens within you. Is there a price you pay for your conclusion?

Once you’ve got that data, consider for a moment the idea that no other choice was possible. Imagine that if the wrong could have been avoided, it would have been avoided.

Whether your transgressor seemed to act willfully or not, consciously or not, sit with the idea that no one is to blame. See what happens when you let go of blame, when you let go of the need for anything at all to be different. Picture your transgressor as having done the very best possible, under the circumstances, even if the outcome  fell far below your standards or expectations.

What is the result, if any, of this shift?

If you happen to be raw right now, in the throes of a painful situation, don’t rush this. Wait till you feel authentically ready.

Whenever you are, now or in the future, please let me know the results of your experiment.