16 Jun Strong Arms, Soft Heart: For What’s Truly Unacceptable

So many of us on the path of growth and Spirit live with a persistent inner critic. This part of ourselves acts like a haughty, condemning judge, finding fault with virtually everything we say and do. The more healing we experience in other parts of life, the more pronounced the critic seems to become.

The critic is not just painful to experience, but it’s also dangerous to our well being. If we let it run wild, it can actually destroy us. However, if we fight back against it, the critic actually feeds on this friction and grows even stronger.

So – what to do? Luckily, the answer is simple. I’ll get to it in a moment, but first, a little background.

Harsh as it is, the critic isn’t wrong or bad. In its own misguided way, the critic is trying to protect us from the perils (as it sees it) of our not measuring up. Recognizing this protective aspect of the critic allows us not to “judge the judge,” which is another easy way to get trapped. Instead, we can accept that the critic exists, let it have its unavoidable place within us, and work with it skillfully whenever criticism arises.

The way to do this is best expressed by the example of a caring parent attending to a flailing, tantrumy child. It’s vitial for a parent to create a field of compassion, with both words and feeling, such as: “I know you’re upset. That’s okay. You can be mad as you are for as long as you need and I’ll be right here with you.”

That’s the “soft heart” part.

But it’s equally vital to keep the child safe, as well as everybody nearby. This needs to come across with words and feeling, too, as in: “Even though it’s okay to be upset, it’s absoutely not okay to hurt yourself or anyone else. I won’t allow that to happen.”

This is the “strong arms” part. In the midst of a full-on fit, it might be necessary to actually hold the child tight, to absorb the aggressive energy until it runs its course.

Now when it comes to the inner critic, it usually takes a few self-judging thoughts, along with the bad feelings they engender, for us to notice that a tantrum has begun. But whether it’s seconds or minutes later, the strong arms-soft heart approach is surprisingly effective.

In practice, this approach is a simply a firm, loving “No.” It means remaining vigilant for the next few seconds, continuing to stop any self-critical thoughts before they get going. There might be a bit of additional flailing, but just as with an actual tantrumy child, this inner critical energy will soon calm down.

Once it does, it’s then especially helpful to turn your attention to your body. There, you’ll find any aftermath of tension from the assault. Attending to it softly, and breathing into it, will clear it from you as quickly and easily as possible.

You also might find one or more difficult emotions, like shame or failure, which are actually the engine for the critical onslaught. By attending to them, too, using emotional connection, you gradually deflate the personal pattern of which the inner critic is a part.

But let’s return for a moment to this comparison of the inner critic to a tantrumy child. You might object to it on the grounds that the inner critic is more like a domineering adult, like one of your parents, or a particularly disdainful teacher. It does seem that way, at first. But almost always, when met with strong arms-soft heart, the critic reveals itself as much less mature or substantial. It wants you to “pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.” When you do, what you find is smaller, and more frightened by its own outbursts than you’d ever have imagined.

At the workshop last week, I was in dialogue with a participant who was watching her critic in action, in real-time. I asked her to practice the firm, loving “No.”

“But wait,” she protested. “Didn’t you say we’re supposed to accept everything?”

Everyone laughed at the seeming contradiction; me too. But then I explained that we do need to accept the critical thoughts that have already arisen, because they’re a part of what is. On the other hand, it’s absolutely unacceptable for them to continue.

This is true over and over, no matter how long or how often the critic makes an appearance. Each time, we need to meet it with strong arms-soft heart. That’s because self-critical thoughts are harmful, and intentional harm is what we will not allow.

I encourage you to practice this approach in the laboratory of your own life, with your own inner critic. I’m confident you’ll see an immediate decrease in your own self-harm, along with an increase of inner peace. And in the presence of that peace, you’ll actually be able to make whatever positive changes are necessary in your life. Without having to beat yourself up in the process.

(Note: In a future post I’ll address the possibility of opening to the messages from the inner critic. But that’s only possible when it is “playing fair” and actually wanting to engage in helpful dialogue. Most people experience their critic, at first, as insincere and destructive. At this stage, constructive dialogue is premature. As always, there needs to be “safety first.”)