Introduction and First Chapter
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Introduction
Everyone wants to succeed. Everyone wants more of something, whether freedom, power, love, fame, money, pleasure, peace, service, healing, growth or change. Most people want their own unique combination of these goals. Even people who have given up hope, or become willing to settle for far less, still have a secret vision of what their life might look like, might feel like, if only it were different.
What about you? What do you want? If you already know the answer, if your own definition of success is perfectly clear, this book will help you achieve it. If you’re uncertain, confused, or in the process of reevaluating your life vision, this book will help you refine and achieve it.
With life growing ever more complex for all of us, how could one book, one perspective, be equally applicable across the entire realm of human experience? The answer lies not in how each of us different, but in what we all share.
One of the things we all share is emotion. The same range and capacity for emotion is present in every single person. Emotional neurons are firing constantly in our brains, and emotional neuro-peptides are cascading similarly through our bodies. This electro-chemical dance occurs from the moment we’re born till the moment we die. It’s as much at play in the private gaze of two lovers as it is in the most sweeping events of human history. Scientists have demonstrated that the same basic emotions of fear, anger, sadness and joy produce facial expressions recognizable across divisions of race, class, religion and culture. In all our feverish activity, it’s been said, we’re either running toward an emotion or away from one.[pullquote]Emotional connection is the ability not just to recognize an emotion, but to actually feel it. And not just to feel it for a moment, or for as long as it’s comfortable, but for as long as that specific emotion requires.[/pullquote]
This running away from emotions is something else we all share. Depending on context, it may be known as repression, denial, resistance, or stoicism. Part of it is natural and ingrained—we’re designed to avoid what we don’t like or don’t want. Part of it is beneficial—many responsibilities require that we temporarily stave off our emotions in order to focus on the task at hand. But the biggest part of it is learned, and that’s where we get into trouble.
Almost everything we learn about feeling and not feeling emotions is unspoken. We pick it up in childhood by observing, and then mimicking, the behavior of those around us. This happens mostly at an unconscious level, and is mostly negative as well.
I’ve had this confirmed at virtually every seminar and workshop I’ve ever led. Early on, I ask the participants to raise their hand if they received a sound education from their parents in how to experience and understand emotions. No hands go up. Then I ask if such an education was provided at school or religious institutions. Again, no hands. Peer group? Forget about it.
So here, in a nutshell, is our emotional predicament: when it comes to this crucial, unavoidable, and often confounding aspect of our lives, we’re pretty much on our own. We simply don’t know how to deal with our emotions, either when they’re actually arising or in their aftermath. Nor do we grasp the immense harm done by this lack of understanding, both to ourselves and everyone around us.
To be fair, the situation has begun to improve. During the Nineties, the term “emotional intelligence” took hold. This term is usually defined as the ability to monitor, regulate, and obtain information from our feelings. It was popularized in a landmark book of the same name by New York Times writer Daniel Goleman. Since then, emotions have been dragged out of the closet and into the open at progressive schools, institutions and businesses worldwide. Where it once was taboo, the topic is now often recognized as a key to effective communication, organization, and even a robust bottom line.[pullquote]To whatever degree you aren’t living your dreams, it’s because of key emotions related to those dreams that you’re not yet able to find and feel. Once you’re able, those dreams will begin to come true in one form or another.[/pullquote]
This is a great beginning, and the benefits of emotional intelligence will only continue to spread. But emotional intelligence is just half of what’s necessary. The other half, perhaps even more important, is emotional connection.
Emotional connection is the ability not just to recognize an emotion, but to actually feel it. And not just to feel it for a moment, or for as long as it’s comfortable, but for as long as that specific emotion requires.
This practice is simple and direct. It can be learned and mastered in a short time by almost anyone. It’s the key to maximizing all talent and effort. It’s the key to making dreams come true. And yet, emotional connection remains the road least traveled.
Why? Both nature and nurture, as previously mentioned, play a large role. But the complete answer goes further than that. To let our emotions run their own course, in their own time, necessitates a radical shift of consciousness. We must overcome a pervasive view that emotions are best kept in check, that they are the enemy of rational thinking, and that to give them fuller reign would lead to anarchy, weakness, or the kind of touchy-feely navel-gazing that makes even the most tolerant among us wince.
Do you believe that, too? Perhaps just a little? Most of us do, even if we don’t like to admit it, and even if we’ve learned to give lip service to “feeling our feelings” at twelve- step programs, in counseling, or somewhere else along the way.
In this book, I challenge the view that emotions are a problem, that they’re something to be feared, controlled, or even managed by our “higher” faculties. I make the case, instead, that emotional connection is the path to our greatest possible wisdom and achievement, no matter what the field of endeavor. I do so, mostly, by appealing to your own common sense and experience.The first time I shared this approach was in an article for the September 2004 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine. In response, emails poured in from all over the world. The general consensus went something like this—“Everything you’re saying is obvious. Yet somehow I’d missed it. More, please.”
It’s in response to those requests that I set out to write The One Thing Holding You Back. My goal is to provide all the principles and practices you need to make emotional connection a regular part of your life. I want to help you put it to use not just in general, but also wherever you may be stuck, and to empower any and all of your dreams. In fact, the central message of the book is this:
To whatever degree you aren’t living your dreams, it’s because of key emotions related to those dreams that you’re not yet able to find and feel. Once you’re able, those dreams will begin to come true in one form or another.
This is, no doubt, a bold claim. And I mean it in a way that’s even bolder than you might think. I’m not just referring to personal accomplishment, but in addition to the objectives of groups and companies. Here are two brief examples that illustrate how emotional connection can become the critical missing link in reaching personal and collective goals.
First, imagine a lonely woman who wants nothing more than a loving relationship but has become gun-shy due to previous rejection. While caution in relationships is always a good thing, in her case it’s blown up into a paralyzing fear. This unwillingness to feel any possible rejection causes her to bail out on new partners before things ever have a chance to get serious. Therefore, she unwittingly ensures her isolation.
Next, let’s take the case of a manager and his team, working within a large company. They’re behind in their sales targets, and the manager’s job is on the line. He’s unwilling to experience even the slightest tinge of failure, however, so when presented with important information about serious obstacles facing his team, he throws a temper tantrum. The team, for their part, is unwilling to experience the humiliation that results from these tantrums. Gradually, they hide more and more bad news from the manager until their paltry earnings report comes out and whole department is downsized.
These examples illustrate the consequences of saying “no” to an emotional experience. They lead us to another essential message of this book:
Whenever you’re not willing to experience a particular emotion, your life is run by your resistance to that emotion. You make choices that are about avoiding the feeling, rather than serving your best interests. Emotional resistance, therefore, is the one thing holding you back.
Emotions make the world go round. They’re at the root of all our dreams. Resistance to emotions brings those dreams to a screeching halt. This uneasy dance between emotions and emotional resistance is always present, usually behind the scenes, pulling all the strings as the drama of life plays out.
But what about saying “yes” to emotions? How do things change for the better when we release our resistance and experience greater emotional connection? For a first-pass answer to this question, let’s revisit our examples.
In the case of the lonely woman, her willingness to feel rejection would increase the odds that she could sustain a relationship. Beyond that basic goal, she’d also be able to see prospective partners through a wider, less rejection-focused lens. This, in turn, would help improve the ultimate suitability of the men she chose to pursue.
Regarding the corporate manager and his sales force, a willingness to experience failure and humiliation would give them the opportunity to clear the air and create an environment of greater trust and collaboration. In addition, they’d be better able to identify and shore up any actual team weaknesses.[pullquote]Whenever you’re not willing to experience a particular emotion, your life is run by your resistance to that emotion. You make choices that are about avoiding the feeling, rather than serving your best interests. Emotional resistance, therefore, is the one thing holding you back.[/pullquote]
Throughout this book, I’ll continually amplify the benefits of emotional connection. I’ll also provide many real examples, from all walks of life, in which people have practiced emotional connection and seen profound results. Whether you’re trying to lose weight, make millions, end world hunger or communicate with your teenager, you’ll find applicable stories in these pages. Their inspiration, and the tools they demonstrate, will help bring your own goals to fruition.
I do, however, need to make one vital clarification. The claim I’ve made about emotional connection is that it will make your dreams come true in one form or another. This doesn’t mean that if you dream about earning millions, and practice emotional connection, that you’ll go on to rake in all that cash. You might, but that’s not really the point. The point, and the promise, is that you’ll experience a major shift. You’ll free up your creative energy, refine your vision, improve your follow-through, and work much, much smarter. Along the way, as a result, you’ll come to feel like a million bucks no matter what happens.
Likewise, if you’re aiming to get rid of serious chronic pain, I can’t guarantee that employing emotional connection will make that happen. But what I can assure you is that even if it doesn’t, you’ll still be able to handle your pain with greater ease and quality of life.
The reason I’m able to make such confident assertions is that emotional connection is what I teach in my workshops. I do it around the world, with all kinds of people. I’ve held a workshop at the poshest spa and at the starkest prison. In every situation I witness the same outcome—the simple, straighforward act of feeling creates lasting and remarkable breakthroughs. This happens even when people have tried everything else previously, when they’ve given up all hope of real change. That’s because emotional connection isn’t yet another technique. Nor does it supply something you’re missing. Instead, emotional connection is a doorway to your own innate, untapped potential. In other words, it will bring forth and support the very best of what’s already in you.
As you read on to discover how this works, I encourage you not to take anything I say on faith. Be rigorous. Test out what you find in the laboratory of your own life. The finest outcome, from my perspective, is that you alter these principles and practices in whatever way fits you best.
We’ll begin with a warm-up and definition of terms. I’ll ask you to do a few simple experiments that ground those definitions in your own experience. Then, in Part Two, I’ll provide you with the tools and information necessary to begin exercising your “muscle” of emotional connection. In Part Three, as that muscle strengthens, you’ll learn to apply it directly to the areas of your life where it’s time for moving mountains. I’ll walk you carefully through every step of that process, providing special tips for those moments and situations where a breakthrough may seem virtually impossible.
Part Four includes detailed profiles of people putting emotional connection to work for their own breakthroughs. Chapter 11 focuses on overcoming addictions and compulsions such as smoking and overeating. Chapter 12 covers a wide variety of work-related issues such as a difficult boss, unfulfilling career path, and outsourcing. Chapter 13 deals with relationship and communication, examining three generations of a family in crisis.
Some of these profiles may seem more relevant to your situation than others, but I encourage you to read them all carefully. That’s because each profile contains at least one “key refinement” to the emotional connection process. No matter what specific challenges you face, these key refinements will help maximize your success. They’ll get you through the inevitable “messy” parts, when it’s all too easy to fall back on previous conditioning.
Appendix A addresses the remaining concerns that participants ask about most often in workshops and individual sessions. Appendix B, for easy reference, provides a brief rundown of all the practices and refinements presented throughout the book.
By the time you finish this book, there will be nothing holding you back. You’ll recognize your emotions quickly, feel them fully, and take their wisdom to heart. Your internal resources will be strengthened and harmonized for peak impact. As a result, you’ll meet life’s inevitable challenges with ease, flexibility, and a joyful, creative spirit. Rather than just reaching your goals, you’ll exceed them.
That’s the power of emotional connection. Now, let’s put it to work for you.
Chapter One—What is an Emotion, Anyway?
Since our journey begins and ends with emotional connection, it would help to have a clear working definition of what an emotion actually is. But that’s a problem, because neither philosophers nor psychologists nor scientists can come to agreement. They contest one another’s definitions vigorously across disciplines, and even more so within them. So where does that leave us?
Fortunately, we don’t really need to enter the fray. That’s because emotions are one of those things that are much easier to experience than describe. It’s usually not too difficult to know that you’re angry, for example, even if you’re uncertain about the neurological and bio-chemical processes that produce such anger. For our purposes, the ever-evolving theories and squabbles about how to define emotion are only relevant to the extent that they bolster the ability, and the commitment, to feel. In that regard, there are a few important topics to consider.
The first is the purpose of emotion. All schools of thought agree that emotions exist to convey information. Emotions arise as a response to the changing states of our internal and external environment. They’re part of the overall process that helps us understand our world and ourselves.
Just now, I took a break from writing to do the dishes. Midway through, I broke a crystal champagne flute that was given to me by a past partner. At first I seemed to take it in stride. These things happen, I thought. No big deal. But when I tuned into my emotions I suddenly felt flushed and sad. Retrieving a broom and dustpan, I replayed the tumultuous ending of that relationship. My heart beat faster. Tears welled. I realized, with surprise, that I wasn’t totally healed from the break-up. My emotional response, in this case, enabled me to refine my self-understanding.
Along with their role in understanding, emotions also serve to inform and influence our needs, drives, perceptions, and perhaps most of all actions. The word emotion itself is formed from the Latin roots ex and motio, signifying outward movement. This underscores the way that emotions form a vital bridge between self-identity and self-expression. In other words, they help us glean both who we are and how best to conduct our lives.
That is, of course, when everything’s working properly. Another thing widely agreed upon by scholars is that emotions are not always reliable. They’re part instinctive, and part learned. If a person grew up in a war zone, for example, the sound of a sonic boom in later life might produce an excessive amount of fear. Or, conversely, a person who grew up in a gated community might not feel afraid enough in a bad neighborhood. In both cases early emotional development could lead to an incorrect interpretation of later circumstances.[pullquote]Once an emotion has arisen, we have an array of choices. We can talk about it, act it out unconsciously, or deny it completely. We can suppress it, interpret it, debate it, or obsess about it. Or, more simply, we can just allow ourselves to stay aware of it.[/pullquote]
On the other hand, who’s to say what’s a “correct” emotional response to anything? What to one person feels like a small mishap might feel downright tragic to another. The range and intensity of emotions we experience is influenced not just by the past but also by culture, personality, and even physiology. Therefore, emotions aren’t ever entirely right or wrong, good or bad, reliable or fallible. Instead, their initial arising presents raw, unprocessed feedback. Most emotions take shape for all of us in this same self-generating way, whether or not we want their input or approve of their message.
What happens next, once an emotion has arisen, is really the crux of the matter. At this stage we have an array of choices. We can talk about it, act it out unconsciously, or deny it completely. We can suppress it, interpret it, debate it, or obsess about it. Or, more simply, we can just allow ourselves to stay aware of it.
Soon we’ll examine all of these choices, as well as many more. For now, let’s focus on the last one. To stay aware of an emotion that has arisen within us is often not as easy as it sounds, since many of us are adept at blocking out feelings we don’t want. And yet, emotions are constantly forming within us whether we’re aware of them fully, briefly, or not at all. When we’re unaware, we rob ourselves of whatever information emotions have to impart. Therefore, the conventional preference for rationality over emotion makes no sense. For the greatest degree of success in tackling life’s challenges, and realizing our dreams, we need both.
My client Vivian illustrates this well. She told me she was “born to sing.” Ever since high school her secret wish was to put together a nightclub act. But the years drifted by and three kids came along, each one offering a convenient new excuse to put her singing on the back burner. Looking at the situation rationally, Vivian had always seen her problem as standard-issue procrastination. This theory, however, never helped her get moving.
In our work together, while reflecting on her long stalled dream, Vivian experienced waves of anger and disappointment. At first she thought these feelings were about not following through with her dream, but soon the real answer dawned—her voice was mediocre. Despite her passion for singing, Vivian possessed no remarkable talent.[pullquote]Emotions are physical. They arise and fade away in our bodies. That’s the one and only place emotions can ever be found.[/pullquote]
Until accessing all the emotions that preceded this truth, Vivian was never able to find or face it. Even the clearest, soberest thinking had been no match for her giant blind spot. Now, accepting her mediocrity rather than resisting it, she was actually relieved. Unburdened by false diva-hood, she could thoroughly reassess her voice for all its true strengths and weaknesses. She did this with the aid of a voice coach, who also helped her select a repertoire that highlighted her strengths. Within six months Vivian was singing at open mikes, and within another six months she performed her first full set.
To accurately discern our emotions, as Vivian did, we need to know where they appear. The answer is obvious, but has been downplayed and even ignored for centuries. Emotions are physical. They arise and fade away in our bodies. That’s the one and only place emotions can ever be found.
When the dominant Western religions deemed the body a source of evil, they also cast suspicion on emotion. Five of the Seven Deadly Sins—pride, envy, lust, anger, and greed—actually areemotions. Likewise, when the rise of science fostered an inordinate emphasis on logic, and a belief that the body existed merely to support the brain, emotions took another blow. While the advent of holistic health and emotional intelligence has done much to redress this, for the vast majority the body still remains a foreign and seemingly chaotic place. As a result, even if we choose to, most of us don’t really know how to feel.
Without knowing how to feel, it’s impossible to determine what we truly want, why we want it, and how to successfully pursue it. Whether at home, work, or play, we simply can’t be our best. With that knowledge, on the other hand, everything becomes clearer and easier. That’s why emotional connection, and the specific skills you’ll learn in this book, are even more powerful than they first appear.
Emotions are like weather, constantly passing through the landscape of your physical body. To experience the subtle changes in that weather, you need to develop a close and attentive relationship with your body. Especially, you need to develop a keen awareness of your internal physical sensations. [pullquote]Most of us don’t really know how to feel.[/pullquote]
In fact, there is no immediate and foolproof way to distinguish between an internal sensation that’s emotionally related and one that isn’t. Think about it—that gnawing in your stomach may be a “gut feeling,” or just as possibly indigestion. Only time, and sustained attention, can render a clear distinction. Learning to make such distinctions is what allows you to maximize your personal feedback system. That’s why our investigation of the one thing holding you back will be primarily body-centered.
Another reason for focusing on the body is that most of us have been deeply conditioned to believe we control it. Whether for purposes of health, vanity or both, we invest extravagant amounts of time and money to get results from our bodies, to bend them to our will. In the process we forget all about things like converting food to energy and purifying blood that bodies do for us, on their own, and that we could never perform by choice. As a result we tend to ignore our bodies when we don’t perceive a problem, and then obsess about them when we do.
To foster and maintain emotional connection requires that we become curious, rather than suspicious about our bodies. When experiencing an unpleasant internal sensation we must exchange the usual knee-jerk approach—“What’s wrong?! How do I get rid of it?!” —for one of humility and respect. We need to experience our bodies’ messages as complex, subtle, and above all worthyof sustained attention. Only then, with the body as ally instead of servant, will emotional connection bear fruit.
This doesn’t mean, as we’ll soon see, that your job is to decode your body’s messages. For example, if sustained attention to the pain in your chest reveals it as heartbreak, not heartburn, you don’t then have to figure that heartbreak out. The act of figuring out is mental, and actually serves to remove you from your emotions. Your only job, throughout this book, will be to keep noticing what you feel. Noticing will lead you to realize that emotions are the message. To notice an emotion fully is to experience it fully. At that point the message is received, and no further work is necessary. Any additional meaning you garner from emotional connection will come naturally, with no effort whatsoever, as a gift for relating to yourself in this way. That’s exactly what happened to me regarding the champagne flute, and to Vivian regarding her voice.
Throughout the book, when describing how to notice your sensations, I’ll use the terms feelings and emotions interchangeably. Some experts keep the two separate, using “feeling” to refer to sensory experience only, and “emotion” to include both sensory experience and our subsequent evaluation of it. In other words, their idea is that a complete emotion is comprised of a feeling itself, and then also all our thoughts about that feeling. But it’s my contention that we can only think the most clearly and successfully about an emotion after we sense it, and after sensing it for much longer than most of us are accustomed. By perhaps over-emphasizing the sensory component of our emotional experience, I hope to bring the whole picture into better balance.
Exercise: Minding Your Body
We’ve been discussing sensations and emotions for a while, so let’s turn now to your own experience of these phenomena. It’s best to read the following instructions all the way through before actually beginning the practice.
Place your attention to your body. Notice if any sensation stands out. Do you feel something particular in your belly, chest, limbs or head? Let whatever your attention lands on first be the focus for this exercise. Keep your attention on that sensation for a few moments, watching closely to see how it changes. Avoid the temptation to name it, or to influence it in any way.
Does it move or stay fixed? Does it change a little or a lot? Does it lessen or intensify? Or, perhaps, does it seem to remain exactly the same?
See if you can stay in this gentle, inquisitive, non-defining mode for at least a minute. If your attention wanders or mind chatter begins to take over, just acknowledge what’s happening and return to your sensation once again.
At the end of the minute, consider whether the sensation has an emotional quality to it. If it does, and you know what the emotion is, note that. If you don’t know what the emotion is, note that, too. If the sensation doesn’t seem to have an emotional quality, or you can’t tell for sure, just let it remain without any further analysis or description.
No matter what you experience—stay relaxed. There is absolutely no way to do any of this exploration wrong. You’re simply exercising your bodily awareness, and remaining attentive to what your awareness locates. The “muscle” at work is the exact one necessary for emotional connection.
If you turn your attention to your body, and notice no sensation whatsoever, still stay relaxed. There’s no error or problem. It just means that at this moment nothing is strong enough to call your attention, or that perhaps you’re a little numb. In either case, just keep gently scanning your body from head to toe until something shows up. It may be as simple as an itch on the knee, or the rise and fall of your breath. Whatever draws your attention eventually (and something always will), stay with that as you continue the exercise.
Before moving on, take a moment to assess the current state of your body awareness muscle. Based on the exercise, is it weak or strong? Foreign or familiar? Are you primed to learn more about it, and to work it systematically? Or, does the whole arena seem daunting? Let your honest answers to these questions guide you in how quickly to keep going through the rest of the book. If you feel at all like a fish out of water, go slow. Though it may not make sense just yet, that’s the fastest way to get results.
*****
In this first chapter, we’ve seen that emotions play an instrumental role in how we relate to ourselves and the world. Emotions usually arise of their own accord. While not always true indicators of what’s happening, or how best to respond to it, they are essential in reaching the greatest possible understanding of who we are and what we want. Located in the body, emotions make themselves known primarily through internal sensations. The more attuned we grow to these internal sensations, the wiser and more discriminating we become.
But the benefits of emotional connection are far greater than that. Whenever we’ve grown stale, emotions reawaken us. Wherever we’ve grown stuck, they get us moving. With just the simple ability to notice and experience our feelings—which you’re about to master in complete, practical detail—daily existence becomes fascinating and vibrant. We shift from lethargic to motivated, from passive to energized. Our life becomes a grand adventure, of which we’re author and hero both.