A Couple’s Journal of Reconnection and Growth
Introduction
Relationships, like any endeavor of the fragile human heart, require frequent attention and care. But what’s the best way to accomplish that? For the lucky few, nothing more than periodic getaways do the trick. For others, nothing besides intensive couples counseling is enough.
Then there are the rest of us. We know the state of our unions could stand a significant boost, yet we’d like that to come in a form that’s not too grueling, and perhaps even joyful. That’s where this journal comes in.
Back to Us is designed to open your mind, free your expression, and renew your love. It eases you into relationship rejuvenation with entertaining questions and activities. It addresses both the past and future with a positive perspective, and supports you in making the very most of every shared moment.
The journal provides carefully placed stepping-stones along your path of relationship growth. For that reason, complete the entries in order. Avoid any temptation to jump around within or between sections.
On the other hand, feel free to set the pace and determine the depth. Decide over time when and where to compose your entries. Try speaking your words out loud to each other, and also letting your partner read them. Above all, allow the journal become a living document, updating your approach to it whenever inspiration strikes.
Even with all that flexibility, you or your partner may protest, “I’m not really a writer. This probably isn’t for me.” The good news is that the journal was designed especially for people who aren’t that comfortable expressing themselves on the page.
All entries come with simple, clear instructions. They do require some reflection, but not lots of effort. Plus, on this adventure more is not better. Simple lists and phrases usually fit the bill just as well as lengthy paragraphs.
A notepad has been provided for those entries when you’re both asked to write at the same time. When an entry includes a [Insert Single Icon], this means one of you should write in the journal and the other on the pad. When an entry includes [Insert Two Icons], this means both of you should use a piece of paper from the pad, setting the journal between you and referring to its instructions as needed.
Whenever either of you finish an entry on the notepad, make sure to place it in the section’s divider pocket. That way, all your writing will remain together for future reference, and as a keepsake of your reconnection.
Some couples, even if ready and willing to complete the journal, may find that it’s not the right time. If one or both of you senses a significant lack of trust, commitment, or stability in your union, hold off until you’re able to successfully address that.
If the time is right, get ready to learn more about yourselves, and one another, than you may ever have thought possible. Get ready to replace distance with closeness, conflict with calm, and routine with passion.
Can all that truly happen? Anything’s possible, when your own words lead the way.
Sample Entries
Appreciation Station
Appreciation is the soil from which all togetherness grows. To begin your journaling journey, one of you take the left column below and complete an appreciation of your partner. You might write “That you understand me,” or, “The way you take care of the garden,” or simply, “Your kindness.” Then, hand the journal to your partner to complete an appreciation of his or her own.
Continue to pass the journal back and forth through five appreciations each. Keep them brief. Choose appreciations that your partner will enjoy reading. When finished, take a page from the notebook in the back of the journal and put it on your refrigerator. For the next week (or longer if you like) write a new daily appreciation for your partner.
Peas Talks
There’s an old story about a wife overhearing her husband say, “I hate peas.”
“What are you talking about?” she responds. “You love peas. I’ve been serving them to you for years.”
As the story demonstrates, we often mistake assumptions about our partners for truths. Then, we build our daily lives on those mistaken assumptions.
Use the space below to list any inaccurate beliefs or perceptions that your partner seems to have about you. They could be in regard to your to likes and dislikes, as in the pea story. They might also pertain to your intentions and attitudes, if you ever find them misconstrued.
When done, share what you wrote. Begin by checking to see if, indeed, your partner really had it wrong. If so, spend a little time discussing the truth about yourself as you see it. If not, talk a bit about what made you think there was a misunderstanding.
A note of caution: If it turns out that your partner still doesn’t “get you,” even after you’ve shared, don’t debate it for now. Instead, highlight the disagreement and return to it once you’ve finished the journal. At that point, both of you are likely to see the situation with new eyes.
Comfort Zones
When it comes to dealing with difficulties, your partnership almost surely has some “sweet spots.” Certain topics, while challenging for other couples, seem like no big deal for one or both of you.
Let’s begin this final section by celebrating that. Start with yourself. What are some common relationship snags that you’re usually calm and adept at handling?
Perhaps you’re easygoing about forgotten birthdays or anniversaries. Maybe you’re able to take honest feedback about your fashion faux pas in stride. Or, possibly you have no trouble hearing for the hundredth time that that you’ve left dirty dishes in the sink.
Next, assess and list your partner’s sweet spots. Note, in particular, which areas of hardship for you are routinely defused because of his or her good-natured response to them. Finally, where do both of your comfort zones most often overlap?
Discomfort Zones
Now take a look at the flipside of your last entry. What aspects of partnership make you uneasy? Where do you have an unusually difficult time compared to others? Does criticism, even the constructive kind, shut you right down? Do you find yourself comparing or competing with your partner even when it’s not your intention? Are there grievances from the past about your partner that you just can’t let go?
What discomfort zones do you sense in your partner? Are they about similar issues, or entirely different ones?
Let each of your perceptions of the other’s discomfort zones be valid no matter what. He or she can grasp what you can’t. Even if your partner gets a lot wrong, and you’re sure of it, see if among all the inaccuracies you can find even a grain of truth.